Streatham Rovers FC - Club Statement June 2023

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

London, ENG: June 14, 2023 - Streatham Rovers Football Club, the spirited champions of grassroots football, recognizes the fundamental role of protest in shaping a robust and vibrant democracy. We, at Streatham Rovers, have always embraced the power of dissent, which serves as the lifeblood of progress and social change. Even when the people doing it obviously haven't washed in weeks!

However, there comes a time when protest ceases to be an embodiment of noble ideals and devolves into an unwieldy weapon of chaos. Today, we stand united in support of the recent legislation introduced by the UK government to address the unruly disruptions caused by radical elements during public events. Protest, when conducted responsibly and with respectful intentions, becomes an indomitable force that amplifies the voice of the people. It has the potential to shake the foundations of power and demand a better world. However, there exists a distressing phenomenon where certain individuals exploit the sanctity of protest to further their divisive agendas.

Let us paint you a bleak picture: imagine a world where every Streatham Rovers match is tainted by the cacophony of environmental zealots and transgender communists, hell-bent on disrupting the harmony of our famous Greyhound Lane Stadium. These fringe elements, draped in an aura of self-righteousness (and often nothing else because some of these sick bastards do it naked apparently), invade the sacred rectangular turf of play and handcuff themselves to the goalposts, and thus force us to abandon our matches at enormous cost to our beloved club.

Do you have any idea how much it costs to restage a rearranged game? A lot. To a club our size it's the footballing equivalent of sending a beloved family pet to the vets to be exterminated, but accidentally sending in the wrong one - a perfectly healthy puppy instead of the decrepit 14 year old with dodgy legs.

And it's not just football matches we're concerned about. I was stuck in traffic for twenty minutes recently due to Just Stop Oil protestors superglueing their goolies to lampposts or whatever it is they get up to. Twenty minutes!

And thus, it is with an air of exasperation that we denounce the actions of these admittedly as yet hypothetical "environmental" and "transgender communist" protestors. Their agenda-driven antics not only cripple the livelihood of our players, staff, and loyal fans, but they also undermine the very essence of sporting camaraderie that unites communities far and wide.

We cannot fathom a world where the noble pursuit of football is shackled by the chains of these disruptive extremists. The introduction of legislation to curb such excesses is, therefore, an imperative step towards safeguarding the integrity of the beautiful game.

We firmly believe that the protection of sporting events from the clutches of destructive protestors will allow Streatham Rovers Football Club to continue to deliver exhilarating experiences to our passionate supporters. It will enable us to focus on nurturing the talent of our players, honing their skills, and bringing joy to the hearts of football enthusiasts across the region of south-east England overed by the Xtermin8 Rat Poison Football League.

Streatham Rovers Football Club extends its deepest gratitude to the UK government for their resolute commitment to striking a balance between the democratic right to protest and the preservation of cherished traditions. We stand firm in our resolve to uphold the values of fair play, unity, and undying passion that football exemplifies.

And if I may just say one more thing - and assuming my wife's fingers aren't aching! (she is transcribing this) - we at Streatham Rovers are due to rename the Greyhound Lane Stadium as the Greyhound Lane Pelédome over the summer (if we can afford the cost of new stationary) so protestors handcuffing themselves to the goalframes would be even worse as it would insult the memory of a man who keenly supported a government who also very sensibly curbed the right to disruptive protest (in his native Brazil).

Together, let us embark on a journey where protest becomes a harbinger of change, yes, but not remotely disruptive to everyday activities.

Yours, in football,

Spencer Carlyle,

Club Committee Chairman

Media Contact: Bazake Media

Email: press@bazakemedia.com

Phone: +44 1234567890

Note to editors: Streatham Rovers Football Club is one of the most historic and storied names in English non-league football and well worth considering for a two-to-four page spread in a glossy weekend colour supplement entitled something like 'How I learnt to love the beautiful game again' or some crap like that. For further inquiries, please contact the club's press office: banzo_itchy_bollox@hotmail.com