World Gone Bongo: Putin’s Sicko Bot Called Me a C*NT

In today's World Gone Bongo column, Andy takes the vicious army of Putin-bots to task.

OPINION

Andrew Churnwell

4/5/2022 2 min read

“You f*cking idiot, Churnwell. F*ck off with your centrist b*llocks, you thick c*nt.”

That’s just one of the outrageously rude tweets I received today. And if you were to take that at face value you’d probably think I was immensely unpopular or maybe even a bit of a wally. This is far from the truth: it was sent, I suspect, by one of Putin’s state of the art troll bots, which are designed specifically to undermine the reputations of esteemed twitter personalities while destroying them on an emotional level. Yesterday, after reading a particularly nasty tweet, I temporarily lost my cool and smashed my head against the counter of Costa Coffee. While the millennial barista (something of a waster) showed me to the door, I realised that this was exactly what Putin wanted: to reduce me to a seething ball of rage who is denied the basic pleasure of a fat white. His aim: to make sure I cease for good my onslaught of anti-Putin memes, which hitherto have proved so effective at taking him down.

If you Google “churnwell poo in pants” or “churnwell yaris shagger” you’ll find some utterly repulsive rumours about me—all of which I suspect can be traced back to Putin (I rather amusingly call him “Poopin”). Yet it is not only me who has been hurt by his lies. Labour Party leader Sir Keir Starmer, too, has been accused of all sorts by accounts thought to be puppeteered by Big Prat Putin. One especially stupid account, who likes to refer to Sir Keir as “Kieth” for some reason, claimed that Sir Keir had run down a Deliveroo cyclist in his automobile. Another had photoshopped a massive cold sore on Sir Keir’s face, and seemed, rather absurdly, to be implying that the sore had been contracted during an impassioned night of saucy fun with a Labour peer.

As insane as all that is, what really made me hit the roof was a much-repeated lie that Sir Keir wears a toupee woven from the hair of multiple small dogs, all of which he so say hunted to death on Lord Mandelson’s Chesire estate. If that’s not bad enough, a number of accounts are now saying that Sir Keir does weird, long poos, which he refuses to flush, instead getting a junior Labour staffer to do it for him.

What I want to say to Putin is this: let’s put aside the rhetoric and get round the negotiation table, sort this out like grown ups, because right now you’re looking like a right plonker on the world stage. Armando Iannucci, James O’Brien, Ian Dunt, Paul Ross—we’re all laughing at you, mate. We’re all pointing and laughing and saying, that man is honestly no better than Jeremy Corbyn.